Writers Block: Physical Illness/Depression

Image via WikipediaContinuing onward in my series of self examination and naval gazing, I want to spend some time around the development of my mental illness between 2009 and 2010.  Around the time I was writing this blog I experienced some major mental illness that almost became THE defining characteristic of my life.  When I look back on that time in my life, I had so many good memories and experiences tainted by anxiety, panic, and depression.    

I had my first ever panic attack in April of 2008 and I wrote about it here.  That was the first time anything like that had ever happened to me and it was terrifying.  I thought I was having a heart attack and was about to die (these are very common thoughts and sensations for panic).  I ended up in an ambulance and got the full work over.  The doctor said nothing was wrong and they sent me on my way.  I felt pretty uneasy about the non-diagnosis, but more or less assumed that it was just an isolated incident, and for the most part it was.  I didn't have any major panic attacks.  However from that moment on anxiety began creeping into my life more and more.   

I can't really pin down when it started because its not like something like this has a clear start and stop date.  All I know is that I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night with my pulse racing and sweating.  I would having Susan listen to my heart and take my blood pressure, just to get some assurance that I wasn't going to die.  That poor woman put up with so much from me.  The typical pattern was that symptoms would come on out of no where and would quickly escalate.  After 20-30 minutes things would start to get better and I could go back to sleep or whatever.  It would happen when watching TV, when driving, while talking on the phone.  Anytime, anywhere.  It was never quite as bad as the time that I went to the hospital, but it was definitely affecting the quality of my life.

I didn't' realize it at that time, but I had fully developed an anxiety/panic disorder.  If you're not familiar with this, it can be described by the diagram at the side.  For me, it might start with a weird chest pain, which might plant the thought, 'maybe you're having a heart attack' in my head.  That thought would scare me which would cause me to start breathing a bit faster.  That fear would raise my pulse which would make me think there IS something wrong.  All of these sensations would increase pain in the chest causing the cycle to keep on going.  It wasn't unless I could sit down, be still, focus on breathing or get my mind off of what was going on that these things would stop.  


Since these things would happen all the time, any time, any where.  I started getting agoraphobic.  I didn't want to ever be too far from home or too far away from Susan, since she was the safe person who could talk me down from the fear.


By the winter of 2009, particularly January and Februrary (about the time I stopped blogging.. hmmmmm) this cycle had fully taken over my life.  I met with counselors and tried researching what was going on but it didn't make things better.  In March of 2009 I ended back in the hospital with another fulll blown panic attack.  This one happened while I was at work.  Despite the obvious interruption at work, it was really embarrassing to fall apart like that in front of my co-workers.  The worst part is that when it happened, I was actually trying to write my prayer shield begging for help when it happened.  Where was my God when I needed him?  This was one of the low points in my life for sure.

After that ER visit, I decided to visit as many doctors as I could to see what was wrong with me.  They worked me up side and down the other.  I even met with a cardiologist to make sure there was nothing wrong.  After we ruled out any physical cause for the chest pains, my doctor figured it was likely was being caused by anxiety and depression.  So in April of 2009, I started taking Zoloft and Xanax to help, and they did.  I was thankful to be on the meds because they finally gave me a holiday from all the anxiety.  Zoloft seemed to put up a short barrier between me and reality.  It was almost as if I had a quick half second more to process and react to stuff.  I would get a chest pain and wouldn't react immediately; it gave me almost a half second to say 'hey that's probably just anxiety or heartburn or something.'  That really seemed to help prevent anxiety attacks and after being on the meds for several months, I felt relieved that I could maybe live a normal life.


But is a medicated life a normal life?  If you need to rely on drugs to think right, you have a diminished quality of life.  Its never optimal to be on drugs unless you need to be.  Of course, you have to do what you have to do to survive, but I really hated the side effects of Zoloft.  That weird barrier thing affected more than just anxiety; it affected all of my emotions.  I felt like I was living just slightly out of phase with the rest of reality.  The drug also messed up relations between me and my wife (that's all that needs to be said here).  Worst off, it made me fat.  I don't mean chubby, I mean fat.  I went from being overweight to full on obese.  In 2008, I dieted and lost a decent amount of weight, but while on Zoloft I gained it all back plus some plus some more.  I had never been so large in my life and I hated it.

So is there any good news in this?  Is there any redemption for our hero?  As not to leave you with any cliff hangers, the answer is "YES!!"  Absolutely, God has been faithful and has delivered me from this trap.  Today, I am fully healed, cured, and free of anxiety, praise God!!  However, I want to save that for another post.